I am a writer. At least that’s what I like to think about myself. Yet, I haven’t written in what feels like ages. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that when I open my Word document, all that is exchanged between us are empty, blank stares. The document’s white skin anticipates being bathed in ink for me to colour it with my imagination, yet it feels disappointed and mildly betrayed, as it is bothered pointlessly and persistently.
I constantly remind myself why I began writing in the first place. It is my comfort. My Solace. Somewhere, I can shelter myself from myself. From all those raging thoughts of self-doubt, a place to articulate a part of the soul that feels trapped in itself arises. But now I can barely write, as my mind is constantly buzzing with random one-liners and ‘chatpata gaana.’ I heard on Instagram. Simultaneously, I also, occasionally, make excuses like ‘I am busy!’ or ‘I have exams,’ yet I am consciously aware that I am abandoning what made life a lived experience rather than pure survival.
I do get ample time, yet all my energy is drained out of me for me to actually think and write.
So, after weeks of this apparent abandonment of my own self, I have decided to address the elephant in the room. My brain-rotting potential is officially at an all-time low and needs to be seriously addressed. I believe that some of you reading this might have felt this way at some point. Whether you wanted to write, read, draw, paint or calm down, you struggled deeply and gravely. It’s not a ‘you’ problem or lack of hustle, as social media likes to sell ‘millionaire at 17’ — someone really needs to stop them. It’s just that in a world filled with constant noise telling us to be a certain way, dictating how to live a ‘successful’ life so you can be relevant in a world that is getting more competitive by the day, we struggle to keep up, and in all this, the most important thing is left behind — YOU!
Don’t think that I believe that hard work or guidance by experts on social media is wrong. But, the idea that life is all about being constantly bombarded with a certain genre of what life is supposed to be, somewhere along the way, our own voice has drowned out.
I no longer need my own opinion for myself, as I can very conveniently doomscroll my way through thousands (honestly, I believe they are in infinite numbers) of influencers and random experts who can read my every emotion, thought and desire and deliver a 30-second compelling speech motivating me till the time the reel ends.
So, let me ask you, when was the last time you sat with yourself? And don’t consider me a saint. For I am absolutely not. I have tried to sit with myself, but with every fleeting moment, my anxiety and thoughts get a hold of me like I am possessed, haunting me till I sway away my thoughts with reels and, at times, to keep me occupied in the long run, urging me to binge-watch a series.
Yet, recently I tried to sit with myself. To really listen to the world around me. It was quiet and unsettling at first, but I didn’t let my brain control get a hold of me. I didn’t let my wounds or my urge to be stimulated get the better of me. And, hey, I am here, writing again. I availed myself of the opportunity to listen to myself after a very long time. And in that silence, I found what I had lost. My peace. Though I still lose my sense of direction every now and then, I can still most of the time identify my own voice amidst all the chaos.
We live in a world that is built on a constant outpour of entertainment. But just because it is trending doesn’t mean you need to consume it. Yet, you do not need to abandon it entirely, for life requires balance. It is our responsibility to be ourselves regardless of how we are perceived, and for that, we need to hear ourselves. It is indeed challenging to truly find yourself, as your wounds, doomscrolling and overstimulation blur your chain of thoughts.
All you need to do is sit in the silence. Let your thoughts wander until they become clear to you. It will be dreadful at first. Yet, silence is a necessary and restorative practice. Do not let the trends, constant dopamine, compromise your chance at a clearer, more sustained future.
If you want to be with yourself, just do absolutely nothing. Sit with yourself. Let the mind roam so that it can reveal itself in the most raw and authentic self.