Shaadi is something most talked about in our Pakistani households. This topic doesn’t start when the girl becomes an adult but starts the moment she is born. In urban Pakistan people no longer want gold, furniture, cars, home appliances, plots, etc. for dowry; now they want a daughter-in-law with a degree. Now a question arises: is this move empowering women? or is it just a way of sugarcoating the traditions?
Earlier the groom’s families demanded so many things from the bride’s family. Along with that, there was a trolley culture where the boy’s family would come to see the girl, and her family would prepare evening snacks and tea. They would eat those delicacies and examine the girl as they were at a shop buying something for their son to play with. Nitpicking on her complexion, her height, her hair, her features, and some might even ask to walk a little so they can see if she walks properly. Now as education rises in urban Pakistan, this trolley culture isn’t as miserable as it was, but it still exists; for dowry tradition, it shifted to degrees.
Families now want well-educated women for their sons; they want a woman who will make them the talk of the town, like, “Mr and Mrs Khan’s daughter-in-law is a doctor,” “Mr and Mrs Ahmed’s daughter-in-law is a lawyer at a well-recognised law firm,” “Mr and Mrs Qaiser’s daughter-in-law is a teacher in the top school of our city,” etc.
Among the most wanted degrees is a medical degree; there is a craze for Dr Bahu in urban Pakistani households. Families want a Dr Bahu so they can show off in family and society, plus the offspring will be well educated. As far as I know girls are told to pursue medicine so they get good marriage proposals. Whether they like it or not, they have pressure from their own house to pursue medicine because good proposals will come for them. To some extent this is correct too in our society, as families demand a doctor daughter-in-law. It may sound like a win-win situation that the girl is a doctor; her in-laws will understand her professional duties won’t force household duties, but this is all fantasy. Families want well-educated girls who know household chores so they can stay at home doing household chores to keep their degree as a decoration only. As in our Gen Z language, this is a red flag and gaslighting, as first buttering the girls and her family for her medical degree and then, after marriage, making her stay at home wasting all her years she worked on it.
In my opinion, teaching is a profession that in-laws let practise easily due to the package a good school provides to their teachers. Good private schools provide fee waivers to kids of teachers along with medical facilities too. In fact, when I was a school-going girl, some of my teachers by degree were doctors and engineers. Most unmarried females choose teaching as they love teaching; others who were married liked teaching too, but they preferred it as it was feasible to look after their house and kids along with it.
We all must have seen women in our surroundings who are well educated and sometimes more educated than their husbands, but they are housewives because their in-laws or their husbands didn’t allow them to work. In this 21st century, when people talk about women’s rights, whether they want to be a working woman or a housewife should be their decision; no one should impose their opinion on them.
Women should be educated to be independent so they don’t rely on others, but in our society their education is considered an asset to their future husbands. I am sure we all have heard this somewhere: “Women should be educated because, god forbid, if a husband faces financial problems, she can support him.” It’s like her degree is the safety net for her husband without even asking her. I am not saying women supporting their husbands is bad; I am saying whether or not she wants to support her husband or not should be her own decision; it shouldn’t be taken for her.
On the other hand, we see double standards of urban-educated families; they claim to be pro-education, anti-dowry, modern, and broad-minded, but they may still judge girl marriageability, rank professions for proposals, prefer degrees that enhance their family prestige, and discourage real career independence. It’s like patriarchy has been polished, which doesn’t look like old patriarchy at a distance, but looking closer, it’s still present to some extent. Acting all modern and pro-education, but if the girl is in media sciences, she will face character allegations, as it will make her too “bold” and “open-minded.”
Modern brides are expected to be perfect, as in modern, to impress and blend in society but traditional enough to obey without uttering a word from their mouths.