Dear reader
Congratulations, so you have chosen to be a politician in Pakistan. Before we continue with the process, there are some rules and insights you should know. You have chosen one of the very few professions where failure, as we know, is temporary, taking accountability is optional, and any experience in governance is considered a bit suspicious.
Politics in Pakistan has it all: an exquisite show of family tradition, or nepotism, as we call it in contemporary language. A chance to show your performing skills on stage, alternatively known as a political rally. And lastly, when under threat, a little bit of public service here and there is absolutely necessary. This public service manual ahead will help you stay in power as long as you follow it, but again, we are still not quite sure who really is in power:
Step one: be born correctly
- As surprising and out of your control as it sounds, rules are rules. Merit in Pakistan is extremely important; hence, it is highly recommended that you choose the right family to be born into. In an ideal scenario, your ancestors (preferably your grandfather) should have either:
- Been the founder of a party
- Survived a long exile
- Owned an alarming amount of land, doesn’t matter legally or illegally
- And in a win-win situation, all of the above.
If this is not possible for you to achieve in the early stages, do not panic. There’s another way to get you where you want to be. Simply by acquiring as much influence as possible through strategic friendships, giving dramatic speeches, and at least one photo, a lot bigger than a passport size, preferably on a poster of you distributing, you guessed it right, not rations, but a plate of biryani!
Reminder: democracy, as we say for the sake of it, is for everyone, but the tickets, well, they’re limited.
Step 2: master the art of managing a press conference
- In order to be a true Pakistani, you should follow the footsteps of those before you and those probably after you, never answer the questions asked.
- This is crucial.
- If a journalist, God forbid, asks you about inflation, just nod, plaster a pleasant smile on your face, and start discussing foreign conspiracies. If asked about corruption, you know it, accuse the ones before you. If asked about the previous government, worst comes to worst, if you were the previous government, start mentioning the guardian of a fully democratic state, also known as national security, until those involved get uncomfortable and are bound to move on.
Bonus points if you add very unique phrases such as:
- “The nation knows the truth”
- “This is not the time to discuss politics”
- “The enemies of Pakistan are active”
- “We unfortunately inherited a destroyed economy”
And well, the economy, as follows the tradition, should in fact be inherited in a destroyed condition. Even if it were you in power six months ago.
Step three: Develop selective amnesia
Political memory in Pakistan lasts for approximately three to five business days. And as the evidence suggests, today’s traitor is tomorrow’s coalition partner. Today’s dictator is tomorrow’s democratic necessity. And so a politician must therefore be trained to deny any old speeches with complete and utter confidence, despite the internet and a very big blessing, a digital footprint, existing.
In case you are caught contradicting yourself, simply state the infamous dialogue:
“ My statement was taken out of context”
You and I, and nobody in their right mind, know the context, but when it sounds official, you believe it.
Step four: learn the sacred ritual of switching parties
Unlike your ordinary professions, in which changing sides may damage your credibility. This profession allows flexibility, maturity, and a great respect for democratic continuity.
The key here is timing.
You must have an exit plan to execute at least three weeks prior to your party collapsing, and to justify it, insist on the statement:
“The decision was taken in the larger interest of the country”
Which coincidentally resembles the smaller interest of your upcoming ministry.
Step five: promises
The performances in this field run entirely on promises, ambitious enough to defy all logic.
One must promise:
- A million jobs
- Lower amount of inflation
- Free electricity
- Moral revival
- And probably an IT-Park
Nobody understands what it is, but since it sounds futuristic, we’ll take it.
And most importantly, maintain a calm composure and make sure that all the promises are delivered with certainty and not a hint of doubt, even if the country is going through a load-shedding crisis during your speech.
Especially then follow this golden rule.
Step six: perfect public humility
For a Pakistani politician to exist, he ought to be tied to the common folks and at the same time ride around with 14 cars and six protocol officers.
This is a fragile equilibrium between them.
A roadside dhaba will be visited at least once a year with the cameras watching you struggle heroically with the steel plates and other regular human chairs. Additionally, you can sit with farmers for a short period of time, ideally wearing spotless white shalwar kameez, having never been exposed to real farming.
These gestures are extremely important reminders that you, too, know the agony of the masses, at a safe distance.
If you have not already done so, follow the steps below to use Twitter like a weapon. Social media is an absolute necessity in today’s politics.
You are required to alternate between the following for your tweets:
vague warnings,
patriotic declarations,
Quranic references,
Strong and emphatic claims concerning “dark forces.”
Capital letters are encouraged.
The key to a great political tweet is to treat it as a national emergency or a breakup.
Never resign without good reason.
Resignation is not a resignation in Pakistan. It is an interval.
In the span of a couple of days, a politician could resign in dramatic fashion on Monday, rally on Thursday and declare a “new vision for Pakistan” by Sunday. This cycle is vital to the sustainability of the democratic ecosystem.
The word “disappear” should never be used in the context of “disappear quietly with dignity. That would be confusing to the public.
Final step: the blame game
This is the basis of the whole system.
Inflation? Previous government.
Electricity crisis? Global situation.
Corruption? Political victimization.
Traffic? Colonial legacy.
Bad weather? International agenda.
A political master takes the blame for only cricket triumphs and metro bus openings.
But even with all this satire, there is something intriguing about Pakistani politics, as the nation itself is a tapestry of chaos, emotion, theatre, resilience, deep divisions, and a sense that saving grace is just a step away.
Maybe that’s the true genius of the Pakistani politician.
They go to the rally, they wave the flags, and they think, “The next time I’ll be the right person for the right thing, it will be different.”
In a country run on a mix of hope and denial, this could actually prove to be the most effective political tactic.