In a move that has sent shockwaves nationwide, puzzling many and amusing others — mainly procrastinators — the Government of Pakistan has finally unveiled its newest democratic marvel: The Ministry of Excuses. Designed to centralise the efforts of our hard-working politicians into a single platform, it is handled by professionals who are expert liars and manipulators. It is a revolution and a new beginning to properly and effectively avoid accountability. It promises to respond to everything, from economic collapse to power outrage, with its fierce and persistent effort to utterly and completely corrupt uphold the public narrative.
Why is it a Need of the Hour?
Let’s be honest, we are all critical of our government and possibly dislike it. I mean, sure, billions are lost in corruption, and our government can’t protect its people, nor is it able to provide jobs for the restless youth. But perhaps what we fail to understand is that human error is inevitable. It’s not that we are perfect ourselves, so why be so hateful to our government when it deliberately falls short of its duty? We should be glad that while most governments will overlook their mistakes or hold themselves publicly accountable, such an example is China’s SARS outbreak (2002–2003). Initial cases were downplayed, delaying global response to the virus. But look at us. How beautifully we explain any crisis, though it is only and utterly bullshit.
Our government tends to take it upon itself to provide excuses. Yup, you heard it right! We sincerely believe that whatever we do is and will always be for the betterment of the people. And there is no need for accountability when we have excuses to cover us.
Unlike others, we, as a proud nation, never conceal our failures. Rather, we wrap it like a birthday present, so elegant and concealed that you will never understand or be able to comprehend what the mistakes were to begin with. You will realise that it is not incompetence but rather narrative management.
The Mastermind Behind It
“I was stuck in my life,” says one of the senior officials (He requested anonymity for his own safety), “and now I have a purpose” (and a whole lot of stolen wealth). His passion for his work is the reason why our politicians sleep peacefully at night without having to worry about public outrage. He has worked closely with the government for over 20 years and is the mastermind behind the new ministry. He testifies that our government is one of a kind and needs to be protected at all costs: “While others overlook their mistakes, our government embraces and holds a press conference to explain why it is not their fault.”
His mission? To convince everyone that ‘we are doing the best we can’ is the best response to every crisis, even if it is a crisis due to their own negligence.
From inflation blamed on tea consumption to unemployment dismissed as an illusion crafted by the opposition, the Ministry of Excuses ensures that no failures go unexplained — no matter how absurd the explanation gets.
Applications are open – We need you!
Have your teachers or parents told you, “Tum zindagi main kuch nahi kar saktai” just because you didn’t want to do a chore or perhaps complete your homework? Did you respond by faking a stomachache or wiping out half of your family in school to save yourself?
Congratulations. You are precisely what we need!
This is your time to shine! Now, you can be the real you.
This project is the perfect opportunity for you to showcase your talents. We rely on our youth to ensure that every government in Pakistan operates efficiently and can flourish without any hindrances.
We are recruiting across all age groups. Do not worry if you have no experience; we train our trainees, making sure that they do not think or say anything except what is required. If you can fluently lie and produce excuses flawlessly one after the other, you are the perfect fit!
Warning: Beware, if you have any kind of formal education, DO NOT APPLY! We need people who love following the system, not those who can question it. Remember, we are from the government, by the government and will forever be their slaves respected employees.
Final Call!
Pakistan’s future depends not on solutions but on explanations. It is a marvel for an ever-thriving society. Join the Ministry of Excuses today, get your dream job and help build a nation where accountability is optional and storytelling is policy, with excuses as the genre!
Apply now. Lie later. Prosper forever.