Peace can be the state of our body – no emotional excitement, all plain, swinging as designed – but it never exists in our mind. Thoughts, memories, to-do lists, and errands keep it all awake, sometimes in the past and sometimes in the present, with a cassette of harsh memories running behind, like songs we play while working and typing words out on the laptop.
I find it a reality because I have never seen my mom sitting silently with her lips sealed; I have always seen my “khala” speaking to herself in a rush and harsh tone, cursing what happened to her and what was happening at that moment. I have heard my “nani” shouting even in sleep, using salacious terms.
People say I overthink and slide between tenses, but the reality is a peaceful mind is a privilege; if not for you, then at least for Shabana – an irritating, controlling, and stubborn woman for many, but for me, she is an injury that never healed. It keeps bleeding, making bones and skin thinner, uglier, and smellier.
That’s why people avoid her but don’t understand the story.
I met her in my childhood, always walking between rooms and the kitchen, from the fourth floor to the first floor, holding tonnes of shoppers, a dupatta swirling on her shoulders. Alertness was prominent in her small green and greyish eyes, making her brown hair less prominent because tension and tiredness did not allow her to sit and tie them properly. How could she do that when she had to serve fruit after a tray of biryani, raita, and a cold drink, all arranged as if no one could get their plate?
Every house would have one time for dinner, but her home had two dinners, one for kids, which was fun for all of us, as her fries, with the ketchup and the masala, were all-time favourites. The other time was when she served her husband, who used to come home after 12 am. We enjoyed ourselves, and he relaxed at her expense but realised it too late. We stayed silent, and he shouted while she absorbed all the yelling and slaps to keep every kid feeling safe.
There were kids in a four-floor building – “ronaq” of home, but she was never refuelled. She was not supported or told, “You are doing a lot.” Instead, the bag of expectation grew on her from her mother and father, who were not ready to divorce her, and her brothers, who felt she could only be honourable and pious when she would suffer.
I ask myself how suffering brings honour when Allah wants us to speak against the atrocities. How could He encourage silence over rebellious acts in unjust settings when Hazrat Isa (PBUH) and Hazrat Muhammad (SAW) showed bravery and boundary-setting? Her brother wants his wife and daughter to enjoy every shade of life, but for her sister, he feels suffering is okay, abuse is okay, and silence is mandatory.
Years passed; her fuel ended. She got worn out. Husband slid into a corner, and the kids got busy. Now, she does not leave her space even for making tea. While her body is in a state of relaxation, her mind remains constantly active. Comparison, the past-present rollercoaster, and deep analysis — all are still there.
It stayed with her, as we stuck to our careers and aims. You can only feel peace when your mind is at peace, but she can’t because of what she went through. Life never stops throwing harshness, but sometimes we lose all strength, and that’s what happened in her case.
She is toxic and has become difficult for many, but nobody understands that the little girl in her is injured and never healed. Her injuries ache loudly, but nobody acknowledges them because they have seen her blood for decades.
Now you tell me, does peace exist, especially in the lives of South Asian women?
It is one of the worst cases, but what about women who have men that are regarded as “gentlemen” by their parents, friends, and colleagues, but they are the ones who mocked you in the name of a joke, belittled you with phrases like “you probably don’t know,” and ignored you or make you feel dependent by saying “tum karti hi kiya ho” or “main tumhein chor sakta hoon.”
Are they at peace?
No!
My husband says that one of his female relatives has a “complaining nature”, and I feel the majority of the women have that because, as a society, we never raised women with love. We taught them to be submissive to their husbands or brothers, but we never made them realise that they were directors of the lives of those around them. We never taught them that they are multipliers and doublers.
My nani and nanu taught my khala that she had to stay in the marriage to save the honour of the family, but why do we never teach this same principle to a man who divorces his wife in rage? We taught our men entitlement, but what about women? Why have we not taught the meaning of respect and freedom when they are the ones who deserve it, because a brave mom results in brave kids with gentle souls?
These cases will exist and keep on continuing, in which men will rest and chill, even being toxic, while women stay unpeaceful if we don’t change the way we raise our daughters and girls.
What to Change in Our Parenting Methods?
Start with reparenting.
Before teaching your daughters something you were not taught, parent yourself. Change your belief system. We are all a reflection of our parents, intentionally and unintentionally. Despite facing challenges, my mother upholds her mother’s beliefs in various ways. For my nani, menstruation is a punishment from Allah to all women. This belief gives birth to the idea that women are submissive to men in all aspects or are secondary or less important. I felt it in my mom’s speech whenever she says that men are blessed with “sher-e-khuda ki taqat” and when she reasons why most of the prophets are men.
We need to first understand that He is just. For Him, all are the same. I learnt these lessons from a friend who studies Islam in detail and explained to me how He divides responsibility based on strength to maintain equity. For this, we need to study in detail instead of carrying forward what our grandparents have taught us because most of their lessons are myth, not fact.
I realised it when I researched whether Fatima (AS) had periods or not, because my mom and Nani say that she did not menstruate because she was the first woman to enter Jannah. In contrast, there is no proof of this fact.
So, start reading and relearning because that’s the way to reparent yourself, and understand that our religion is more women-orientated than our society.
You are kind, you are smart, and you are important.
Whether it’s the Bible, the Quran, the Hadees, or the Gita, the majority of us fail to understand the essence of God’s message. Our mums and grannies dishonour the same women by claiming they are less intelligent than men, despite referencing holy books and deities that have honoured women throughout different time periods. Muslims backed this statement with Ali (AS) quotes and Christians with the Bible’s verses. The truth is that women are as intelligent as men, but their brains are designed differently, which makes them better at multitasking and more skilled at understanding other humans. Conversely, men excel in critical thinking and logic, surpassing women in these areas. But did our moms tell us this fact? No. Instead, they tell us that we are submissive and less important, or that’s why men are prophets.
The journey of accepting who you are and how you are different starts from within when you accept yourself wholeheartedly without being judgemental about yourself. Relearn your thought pattern by keeping old beliefs aside and observing yourself and your POVs when you interact with others. It will help you see how you compare to others. The clarity on these areas will help you cultivate your identity and own it like a queen. Once you own your queendom, you can teach your daughters how blessed and kind they are.
Women are goddesses, but society has never let them live like flowers. Instead, our grandmothers have made the majority of their daughters gossipers and insecure souls, making their words and thought process smell like litter that could not spread love.
You can turn your daughter into a benign soul by teaching her that she is equally important and lovable. Teach them how to lead passionately by becoming confident in their families. Don’t burden them with managing the family’s so-called respect and honour; everyone is responsible for maintaining their own respect. Instead, teach them to be graceful and how to maintain grace. Maintaining grace does not mean limiting yourself; it means setting boundaries because your daughter is priceless, and she should not be abused and harassed in any way.
No compromise on respect.
‘Sacrifice’ and ‘adjustment’ can be the slogans of our grandmothers, but they should not be carried forward because respect is the primary right of everybody. You can teach this to your daughter, sister, and anyone else by respecting them and making them respect you. Make them understand whatever they do, be it freelancing, office jobs, studies, managing the home, taking care of oldies, or whatever – she deserves respect, and it’s her basic and prime right.
You cannot teach them this significant lesson via words. Bring it to your practice. Take time for yourself, prioritise your needs, and avoid overextending yourself or neglecting your own well-being for the sake of other family members. Cook your favourite food as well as your loved ones’ must-try dishes. Let your daughters and young girls learn from your actions that serving others does not mean disrespect will be your fate. Teach your girls to manage things and not adjust for others by disrespecting their aims or tolerating wordy disrespect.
As a guardian, you must understand this fact: sometimes, children may not feel safe in their maternal and paternal families due to the typical mocking culture or the practice of men having dinner earlier than women, and that is okay. Respect their decision, but make them respect yours, especially when they shout at you or when they make you do anything for which you need to sacrifice your things. When you value yourself, so will your kids, and that’s how young girls in your family will learn respect because that’s what you will normalise in your home.
Independence and help.
Hyper-independence is not a way to raise daughters with a peaceful mind. Instead, it will create anxiety. What you need to teach them is to cultivate emotional independence and financial freedom. Teach them the skill of asking for help without feeling ashamed of it because we all are humans that are tied in a beautiful yet pathetic chain. We need support and help. They do not need to shrink themselves when they ask for help. Instead, ask confidently, but also teach them to acknowledge those who help them, as respect is a basic right for everyone.
Enabling your daughters will help them understand that stability does not mean marriage but the ability to handle their own affairs. Independent daughters will be your pride because they will be strong and aware. Don’t limit independence to the concept of working women or women who earn money, but to those who know how to manage their own affairs, be it money, investments, stocks, diet, emotions, or anything else. She should be independent enough to form her own opinions, but that independence should not cost her mental peace. It should not put her in a race where she has to do everything herself. She should be taught that she can ask for help and that there is no harm in getting an assistant, a nanny, or asking parents or siblings for help. All’s okay.
Decades-long trauma passed from one generation to another has glorified basic norms and normalised inhumane practices, such as making jokes about women’s bodies and glorifying men for changing their own child’s diaper, even though it is basic. Unfortunately, we cannot change the narrative in a year, even though we have feminism and Islam, but we can change how we raise our daughters to pass compassion, a safe space, and confidence this time, stopping the cycle of giving submissiveness, insecurity, and confusion. This change will start when you accept yourself for who you are. If you want to make tweaks in your life to build a dual identity or anything else, do it, acclaim yourself, but you should respect yourself because that’s the way to break the chain. Always remember, chains are meant to be broken, not continued. There are chances that you may not break this cycle as you aimed, but a step is enough because the ripple effect will multiply your effort, leading this change to take birth in multiple homes eventually.