Three and a half years ago, I became a mother, and with this title came a whole new set of responsibilities. While I tried, like my mother and her mother before me, to be a good mom, all I knew was to keep him safe, dry, well-fed, and well-rested.
While all that was simple enough, the real struggle began when this tiny creature started walking and talking. I was clueless when it came to answering the countless questions he posed throughout the day, participating in his uniquely mischievous games, and handling his tantrums without losing my patience. Hence began the terrible roller coaster ride of new motherhood, where I found myself, ashamedly so, treating him unkindly.
As I started losing my temper around him, the mom guilt engulfed me wholly. I felt like I was the sole example of a complete failure in motherhood, and the resultant shame made me feel, and act, worse. Everything at home seemed perfect apart from my relationship with my own flesh and blood.
I did not fully grasp the impact that my behaviour had been having on my little boy until, one day, as I got mad at him, he started pleading before me, wrapping his tiny hands together and crying for me. I hugged him for a long time as he drifted into sleep, but I had lost mine for the night. That was the moment my journey towards gentle parenting began.
I started surfing the internet, talking to young parents, listening to professionals, and taking every possible route to being a better mom. Here is what I learnt:
In contrast to the traditional method of parenting that we experienced in our childhood, involving a culture of shaming, name-calling, labelling, and physical punishment, this method was based on respect, empathy, love, and emotional connection.
It did include discipline and boundaries, but without a notion of punishment or control. Being empathetic with children is like putting ourselves in their shoes and trying to understand the emotions that they are not yet able to understand or express. While it was quite a task for a flawed person such as myself to incorporate all of this, it resonated with me right away.
I began imagining how I would feel being bossed around all the time, being scheduled for everything by someone older than me, being asked to do something else when I want to do something of my own interest, and feeling anger towards someone way older than me, yet being unable to react because they are physically stronger than me.
I was horrified by the image of such a life. Thus, I decided to give my son a better experience by making him feel valued and being given choices rather than being dictated.
Respect is another core principle of gentle parenting. It is not confined to verbally addressing them respectfully but also to incorporate it in your actions towards them. For example, if your child fails to fulfil your expectations, academically or otherwise, instead of calling them names, one should help them find their strengths and divert their energy towards something they excel at.
Peggy O’Mara, a famous author, once said:
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
Thus, if we want their inner voice to be strong, clear, and confident, we need to start listening to them and treating them with the respect that they deserve.
Positive discipline is also an important tool of gentle parenting. Everything evolves and improves with time. While it is high time that we break generational curses by curbing the practices of physical and mental abuse, it is also not sensible to leave one’s children on their own and let their feelings run the show.
Positive discipline means offering them choices wherever and whenever possible, setting clear and realistic boundaries and goals according to their age group, and reinforcing an insight to the consequences of not following those boundaries consistently.
Once I started working on my style of parenting, I felt a noticeable difference in my child’s behaviour, our bonding, and his overall body language around other family members.
By offering six to eight intentional hugs throughout the day, our physical connection improved as a result of an increase in the release of dopamine in his brain, leading to him being happier in general.
By offering him choices for different activities (which he otherwise found boring), I discovered a much easier way to get them done.
By carefully choosing my words in his presence, I improved his vocabulary and the way he expressed himself.
Moreover, by acknowledging his feelings, listening to him attentively, and helping him deal with his emotions, I also won lots of free kisses and hugs.
A common misconception about gentle parenting is that it can have negative effects, such as the parent becoming exhausted or resentful or the child becoming the boss. But in my experience, my resentment vanished, and I became the boss while still making him feel like he was in charge.
Looking back, I can say that despite all the hard work, choosing gentle parenting is totally worth it. The changes I see and experience are impeccable. Do also remember that you are allowed to make mistakes, learn alongside your child, ask for help, and take a break whenever needed, because only a healthy parent can raise a physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy child.
Kids aren’t wired for compliance and self-control, so it’s only fair for adults with fully developed brains to show them patience and empathy.
Well written Mariam.