It’s been a few months since I last met a friend of mine. Any friend. That is so not me. Looking back a few years, when I used to live at a hostel and had total control of my life, not a single day went by without meeting a friend. I was a very active person socially and the center of a few of my friends’ circles too. Every few days, a new meet-up plan would be waiting for me to finalize, as I was a student and a professional person.
After completing my academic career, time passed in the blink of an eye, and I got married. It was a completely different life and a whole new set of responsibilities. I stayed in contact with my friends through social media, but we were already drifting apart physically. I had never imagined that meeting with friends would become this difficult, as I was told my husband was a very social person too. However, in our society, friendships and socializing are very different for men and women. Traveling to other cities ‘just’ to meet friends was not a concept so common in my new family.
The Impact of Motherhood on Friendships
Turning the pages of my journal backwards reveals that I was already feeling lonely within a few months of marriage. Fast forward to a year later when I became a mom, and my friend list had already shrunk from about a hundred to just 20. I was so familiar with phrases like “Your life completely changes after the baby; it’s a huge responsibility,” etc. But I always understood it as a shift in life at home. Nobody ever told me how my social life as a friend would shift too.
I was a go-to person for so many people, and being unable to meet them and listen to them was another major factor for my unhappiness right after the baby. I tried my best to hold onto those few people, attend their important events, and meet up with them, but the hundreds of miles between us were becoming the actual distance between us as friends as well.
After becoming a mother, your whole life evolves around that little person and their needs. Tending to their needs leaves you with little to no time for yourself, let alone socializing. Conversations with friends keep getting shorter, and group chat notifications almost stop pinging. Friends who are not in the same boat as you never fully understand what it means to be a mom, and the lack of communication can make them mad at you more often.
You, as a parent, develop this hesitation and fear of going out with the baby because either the baby will get so uncomfortable that they won’t let you enjoy it, or the friends won’t be comfortable enough with you bringing the baby along. So, plans keep getting postponed from days to months, and even years pass by before you even know it. It makes you feel guilty and sad for not being able to be there for your friends or have some fun time for yourself. Our society doesn’t really see you as anyone else but a mom once you become one, and this discriminatory behavior adds to the mental loads of motherhood.
Navigating New Friendships and Maintaining Balance
Communicating openly with non-parent friends about the whole new set of responsibilities and dynamic shifts in life might make things a little easier. But when you have lots of single friends around, they usually fail to empathize with you at a deeper level, making you fall prey to feelings of loneliness and isolation. These feelings don’t only limit you to not being able to meet your friends or talk to them, but also to not being able to balance your life at home while constantly thinking about the social and professional life you used to have and loved.
There are, however, certain ways to rebuild these fading friendships and emotional connections. You can plan family-friendly meetups where you have your friends at home while someone from the family can babysit for a while, or you can leave the baby at your parents’ place while you go out. Life is all about adjusting and reshaping relationships according to your abilities while still maintaining your sanity.
After becoming a parent, the quality of friendships and meetups becomes more important than quantity. Scheduling weekly or fortnightly virtual interactions can help you stay connected. The role of a spouse is extremely important in helping you maintain your social connections because a happy mom is more likely to raise happy kids. Along with keeping prior friendships afloat, it is equally important to make new connections with other parents who would better understand your challenges, efforts, and acknowledge them as well. Being able to enjoy the company of those who understand the challenges and joys of parenthood is also a luxury after becoming a parent.
Dwelling on the past and mourning long-gone friendships is a waste of your energy. It is crucial to understand that, just like the changing seasons, it’s important to shed some leaves and embrace the new seasons of life by adopting new ideas, accepting new people and challenges, and exploring new versions of yourself by letting go of the old