We often sit and reflect on our interactions with people around us. What is usually overlooked is the fact that we let the perception of others shape our behaviour. And in that moment, we take unwanted steps that drain us later because we deeply believe that people’s perception of us defines who we really are, without realising that it’s not anywhere close to reality. And thus, most of us say “yes” to various things not out of kindness but out of fear. We’re afraid of what saying no will reveal about us.
The question arises – who gains when people struggle to say no? It’s not the individual who reluctantly agrees, but the one who successfully completes their tasks, often without considering the consequences to the other party. The burden quietly shifts. One person walks away relieved, while the other is left with exhaustion and the familiar feeling of overextending themselves yet again. Over time, you internalise the idea that saying yes receives approval and validation, while even respectfully denying will result in judgement. You begin to believe refusal is rude and start fearing losing relationships. Somewhere along the way, you internalised the idea that being liked matters more than being honest and true to yourself.
But here’s the real truth: saying no is not rejection. It’s protection. It involves setting boundaries. By saying no to what drains us, we create space for what truly fulfils us. Of course, not every ‘yes’ is harmful. Compromise and care are essential to any relationship. But there is a difference between choosing to show up and feeling compelled to do so. When kindness is rooted in fear, it stops being kindness.
Learning to say no does not mean hardening ourselves against others. It means understanding that disappointment is not a moral failure and that other people’s reactions are not accurate measures of our worth. And so, perhaps the real question isn’t why we are afraid to say no, but why we have accepted a version of ourselves that exists primarily to be palatable.